God moves in mysterious ways
Sat, 30 Jan 1999
First of all I'd like to thank you for your site. What is written here has been of invaluable help to me in my quest to become 'normal'. I have especially liked your Bible treatises.
However, my reason for writing to you was an article written by Marion Thomson entitled - "The Church and homosexuality" and especially the sentence :-
"The worst situation to my mind is that of the man who, in an endeavour to appear to be heterosexual, marries and fathers children. It cannot be a cure for his problem and only leads to great unhappiness for his wife."
I am such a man as Mrs. Thomson refers to, and I'd like to tell you how it has worked out for me. If there are any of you out there feeling suicidal, I hope that this may prove of some help.
Firstly, I grew up in the Methodist church in the UK in the 50's. I learned that my 'disease' was an abomination and that every homosexual characteristic was a sin. I also lost my faith: God hated me. I was also aware that that if I was ever caught it would be prison or a hormone injection cure. This sounded very frightening at the time.
There was however another cure. It is the one proposed by Dr. Barry in "Maurice" by E. M. Foster. I quote :- "Dr. Barry, meeting him on another day, said, 'Maurice, you get the right girl - there'll be no more trouble then.'" And so, not fully realising the implications, I was so intent on being cured and society demanded it, that I looked round, found the right girl (I honestly believed that I loved her), and married her. We have been married for nigh on 35 years, and have three wonderful (grown up) sons.
From a sexual point of view our marriage has not been a success. I suppose it has really not been worse than a lot of heterosexual marriages. But I suspect that our difficulties have arisen out of my latent homosexuality. During the better part of these 30 years I have been very intent on condemning homosexuality and, of course, I've been very free with advice to homosexuals to get cured. After all, I was.
Unfortunately I was not cured. My wife, partly because of the change that occurs in one's 50s, lost interest in sex, and because of the abstinence this forced on me, my gayness resurfaced. Suddenly I was in my life's crisis (3 years ago). I hated myself and what I was. Suicide seemed to be the only way out. But "God moves in mysterious ways". He led me to my fellow gay brothers and lesbian sisters struggling with their sexuality on the Internet. With their help and his I have learned, not that my homosexuality is a lifestyle but rather that it is in fact me - my life.
In these last three years I've learned that God has made me the way I am and that he loves me the way I am and that I don't need to be cured. I've also learned to love my fellow brothers and sisters. He's also given me a vocation for the remaining part of my life - to help others like me that are striving with their sexuality. I know there are many who do not manage to bypass the suicidal state. I hope that I will be able to become instrumental in being able to save some of them. Finally he has taught me to love myself and put my trust in him.
I have wondered often in the last few years - why me ? I shall be retiring this summer (I'll be 62). I'd been looking forward to a restful life as a pensioner, cultivating my hobbies, gardening, walking in the mountains etc. So why should I be plagued by this homosexuality that had lain dormant over thirty years ? What have I got out of it apart from a lot of worry and the near collapse of my marriage? The answer is, my faith in God.
Having shut God out of my life for nigh on 40 years he has given me back my Christian faith. I've become a Quaker and attend an 'Open Church' group. They organise inter-denominational church services every week. My marriage is not in bits and pieces. We will continue hand in hand and face the future together as long as God wills it. We are both aware that it may be so that we are destined to go different ways. If it is I am now sure that we will be able to part amicably. We are placing our futures in his hands.
I have never been one for letting anyone have responsibility for my life other than me. The miracle of the last three years is that it is possible for us to place our lives in God's hands and with our faith we are sure we will be able to find the way ahead.