Now it came to pass (the biblical "once upon a time") as the divine family toasted their divine toes in front of the heavenly pot belly, having spent a busy day in the newly constructed infinite shed at the bottom of the newly designed infinite garden, they discussed the success of cosmic evolution, since the cataclysmic cosmic explosion (the big bang). It turned out better than they dared hope. The cosmos was indeed a place of stunning beauty. Stars, suns and moons had been flung into infinity in glorious swirls of galaxies, each unique, but united in their common purpose to glorify their creator.
One galaxy, eventually known as the milky way, contained a planet called earth. Earth was home to a population of seed souls, each on their personal O.E. (ordinary experience). Only after much soul searching, did the God family decide to grant each soul free-will. This meant each soul was responsible for its own destiny, but it also required the God family to relinquish control over their precious creation.
Before leaving the heavenly vaults for their O.E., the seed souls were given a divine exit interview. Among a few other suggestions, the seed souls were advised to be fruitful and multiply. At the time they wondered what this meant, but it wasn't too long before each got the hang of it, and were being fruitful and multiplying all over the place. Some seed souls were heard to comment that, as the were being fruitful and multiplying, they heard distant music, a tune that had a familiar ring to it, but they couldn't explain why. It seemed to echo down through the mists of time.
da de da de dada
de da da de da
da de da de dada
da deda da da
Meanwhile, God the father, God the mother, and God the son, busied themselves in the newly constructed infinite shed, at the bottom of the newly designed infinite garden. God the father had a special interest in the geological and geographical side of creation. He enjoyed adding little embellishments to delight the eye of the seed souls as they journeyed on their big O.E. Wonderful valleys, lakes, rivers, and waterfalls were brought into being from the depths of the earth, as God the father put his vast eternal knowledge of Advanced Geological Engineering to good effect. They worked as a team when designing the inhabitants of earth, the fowl of the air, the fish of the sea, and every creeping beastie that roamed the surface of the earth, and those which didn't.
They had a heap of fun doing this, each trying to outdo the other. Consequently, some of their work looked as though it had been designed by the proverbial committee. The variety and diversity was stupendous, allowing scope for further diversification, as life continued to evolve over the course of time. At one stage, God the son pointed out that there could be problems with identification, because none had been named. This caused the divine parents to scratch their divine heads. They hadn't thought of that (they were having so much fun.) So God the son suggested that the seed souls might enjoy naming them, and it might serve as a method of divine contraception, since being fruitful and multiplying was the only fun they knew about thus far. So it was agreed, and it was so.
However, God the mother's special area of interest was fashioning the furnishings of creation, and working with the spectra of colour by way of decoration. How she revelled in experimenting with the gorgeous shades she extracted from the spectrum, trialing combinations of colour on her own divine hair. God the father never knew from one day to the next what colour Mother God's hair would be, when she returned from the newly constructed infinite shed at the bottom of the newly designed infinite garden. "Holy Moly, what in my name have you done to your hair this time!!" he would thunder, but secretly he thought it rather funky.
Having sorted out the various hues and colours, she then set about deciding which colours to use on what species of life. Here the divine toe and finger nails provided perfect palettes for trialing colour samples. However, only having ten of each meant that she ran out of palettes fairly quickly, so she tried persuading God the son to allow her to use His.
Alas, no. This was not to be. God the son flatly refused, claiming that if any of the seed souls saw him so adorned, he would be laughed out of heaven, and he wasn't ready to leave yet. So God the mother had to resort to dying her robes of white in the large vats God the son organised for her in the newly constructed infinite shed at the bottom of the newly designed infinite garden. After a hard days work God the mother would flop into bed and dream. She dreamed of meadows of lavender. Entire hillsides generously ablaze with heather. Stately gladioli, a vibrant backdrop for herbaceous borders. Woodlands, sheltering delicate carpets of fragrant bluebells, and clusters of violets, waiting to surprise and delight. Elegant iris, standing guard over quiet pools, brave delicate snowdrops thriving in the chill wind of a snowy landscape, congregations of carnations lending colour to the monotony of an arid terrain. Blue gentian, clinging to alpine crevice, challenging and being challenged by elemental conditions. Wintersweet, flowering in midwinter, unobtrusive, but there for those who happen to notice and enjoy.
Although God the mother enjoyed the broad stroke work used in colouring larger areas of creation, her greatest delight was in designing colours and patterns for the delicate wings of tiny creatures, like butterflies, moths, dragonflies. Here the divine undies came into their own. Gossamer silk was the perfect medium for trialing the shimmering iridescent effect she so badly wanted to achieve. God the mother would consult with God the father on the effectiveness of the combinations. On more than one occasion God the father was heard muttering about the utter impracticability of feminine underwear. He couldn't understand why God the mother couldn't wear his cosy (but not very sexy) long St Johns. She might not complain about feeling the cold if warmly clad.
The years rolled on, and so did creation. But all was not well on planet earth. There were times when God almost (but not quite) regretted granting the seed souls free-will. Some were indulging in most regrettable behaviour, having taken their creator's instruction a bit too enthusiastically. Begetting was going on when it should not have been, and the begotten were begetting the begotten, to such an extent that God the father and God the mother were nearly beside themselves (which they were anyway) with worry. In some ways they wished they could start all over again.
As they watched the heavenly tele one night, they heard St. Augustine Auer, talking about weather patterns around the planet earth. It seemed that El Nino was about to let rip over all the planet. This meant that rainfall would be about forty times heavier than normal, and would last forty days and forty nights. Long enough and heavy enough to flood the whole world. The God family listened in horror. This meant all creation contained on earth would be destroyed. Seed souls, animals, plants, the lot. The divine sadness was profound. All would be lost. Suddenly God sat bolt upnght on the heavenly throne and said "I've got a cunning plan ..... so cunning you could put a sail on it and call it an ark."
"What on earth is an ark?" asked God the mother and God the son with one voice, sounding rather sceptical. "I'm not too sure myself yet," said God the father as he rubbed the divine chin thoughtfully, "But it will be a floating hotel, with a below deck animal park. This way we could at least preserve samples of creation."
"That's not all you would preserve," said God the son wryly. "How do you propose to deal with the effluent?" "Simple," said God the father confidently, "we will have a methane conversion plant on board, that will provide central heating for the entire ark." God the father was feeling highly pleased with this cunning plan, so he set to work calculating dimensions and plans for building this floating hotel with a below deck animal park.
Somehow the flood wasn't quite so scary while he had things to do, and places to go, and people to see. His next most pressing problem was, who would build this ark. God the mother suggested that they let it out to tender, and see what "takers" were around on earth. After all who would be daft enough to undertake this project? There was no body of water deep enough to float a toy yacht, let alone a floating hotel with a below deck animal park.
Replies to the tender totalled one. A guy called Noah, and so he found grace in the eyes of the lord. So it was, that Noah became the first "Ark-Wright", working all hours with his sons Ham Shem and J J Japheth, so that the ark would be completed within the contracted time. When it was completed they received divine instructions to fill the underdeck animal park with pairs of animals of every species.
Then God the Father said to Noah: "There is good news and bad news. The good news is that you get to go on the maiden voyage. The bad news is that you and your family are the crew and the zoo keepers. Thus Noah did; according to all that God the father commanded him, so he did. When everything was ship-shape, orders were received to batten down the hatches. El Nino hit and it all happened. Torrents of rain lashed the ark for forty days and forty nights.
It wasn't long until the ark with all its inhabitants were bobbing about on the floodwaters, feeling very seasick, wishing they were home. Life was not easy. There was so much to do, caring for the animals and the family. Mrs Noah was not impressed with the arrangements on board. It was smelly and sooo hot. Father God had not counted on animal body heat rising from the belowdeck animal park. That, along with the methane central heating unit (which couldn't be turned off properly) meant it was pretty fuggy.
Meanwhile, God watched Noah's plight from a distance. He saw their misery and wondered what surprise might delight them when the voyage was over. This time it was God the mother who had a cunning plan. While showering, she noticed that as the suns rays sparkled on the water flowing from the shower rose, bows of spectral colour glistened through the water. Fascinated, she watched this phenomenon, and a cunning plan took shape. She finished showering and rushed down to the newly constructed infinite shed at the bottom of the newly designed infinite garden. What a morning she had, opening thousands of containers of colour releasing them into the cosmos. Many would spill into the milly way galaxy, eventually flooding earth's atmosphere where they would combine with the rays of light and droplets of water to form rainbows.
Her work completed, she called God the Father and God the son. "What do you think of this" she said, her voice full of repressed excitement, as she revealed her morning's work. Wow!!!! were they impressed. Or were they impressed. So impressed were they (knowing something of God the mother's ability in terms of physics) that words failed them. They could only stand in reverential awe, as this beauteous bow filled their divine vision. And they saw that it was good, in fact it was very, very good.
Then God the mother spoke across the firmament, echoing down through time, reaching not only Noah and his family, but all creation that ever was or ever would be, saying ... "I set my rainbow in the cloud, and it shall be for the sign of the covenant between us and the earth. And I will remember our covenant which is between us and every living creature of all flesh; the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh."
And so it was.