Suicide -- advice to caregivers.

By Greg Hughson in All Sorts

Greg is University Chaplain at the University of Otago.

Suicide - advice to caregivers.

I'm currently away on study leave. In a few weeks time I've been asked to present a grief workshop at a Mental Health Conference ("Are we on the right track?") at the University. So one resource I am re-reading on study leave is a book I have valued for many years, "Helping people through grief" by Kuenning (Bethany House publishers 1987). Offering pastoral care and spiritual support to the family and friends of someone who has taken their own lives requires particular courage and wisdom. Kuenning suggests the following advice to caregivers.

1. Acknowledge the death the same as you would the death of anyone. Your phone call, card, letter or presence will convey acceptance and love.
2. Acknowledge the bereaved person's pain. Say for example "I know this is painful for you now".
3. Show you care. It's OK to weep, use the touch of a hand, a hug, an arm around the shoulder to show you care.
4. Offer the gift of self. Say "I'm here because I care about you and I'm concerned for you, can I sit with you ? Are there things I can do for you ?"
5. Give them permission to be angry. Say "It's OK to be angry"
6. Don't pry into the circumstances of the death. Most people do not want to say the word "suicide" after a friend or loved one has taken their own life.
7. Avoid asking questions or making statements that will cast blame on the survivors.
8. Give them permission to talk about their loved one. Don't be afraid to mention their loved one's name or to recall pleasant memories you shared with the deceased.
9. Listen carefully and know that you do not need to say much at all. The quality of your presence carries comfort and love.
10. If necessary help them find a counselor, support group or caring Church family.

I would also suggest that if possible we attend the funeral of the person who has taken their own life. This may not however always be possible. Also, if appropriate, when a suicide occurs we can mention to grieving parents, family members and friends of the deceased that we will be praying for them and that we will keep in touch. It is important to care for ourselves when we are caring for others, and not to try and do anything if we do not feel able or equipped to do at the time. Often there is no rush. We may be of help to others weeks, months or years after the event, not only immediately afterwards.

Here in the Otago region there are branches of the international movement "Compassionate Friends". This network was started by a Christian Minister in the USA many years ago. The Otago branch produces a regular newsletter. (Let me know if you want to see these newsletters.) Compassionate Friends groups bring together parents and family members of people who have lost a young member of their family, including some who have taken their own lives. Having suffered themselves, they are willing to help others. Compassionate Friends offer genuine support from the perspective and experience of those who have been there, and are finding ways to carry on. Compassionate Friends recently organised a very worthwhile workshop on suicide in Alexandra.

New Zealand has the highest rate of youth suicide of all "developed" countries. This needs to be urgently addressed. Prevention of suicide, and identifying the signs is of course preferable, but there are times when someone takes their own life without any warning whatsoever. In this situation the shock and grief of friends, family and colleagues is intense.

As a Church we speak a great deal about compassion. We are called to be compassionate people. When someone takes their own life, may we therefore offer compassion and appropriate loving support to all who grieve, caring for ourselves as we do so. As followers of Jesus (and others) let's all be compassionate friends. Let's also actively work towards creating a more "on track" loving and open society where fewer people (for whatever reason) choose to take their own lives.

Greg Hughson
University Chaplain

This item was first printed as a Connections article in the Parish Weekly Bulletin, 29 August 2010.