FEAU: A TONGAN CONCEPT OF COMFORT FOR A GRIEVED FAMILY

By Siosifa Pole in All Sorts

A Tongan perspective on the grieving process.

FEAU: A TONGAN CONCEPT OF COMFORT FOR A GRIEVED FAMILY
I am intending to ponder on this concept of comfort
during a time of grief for any type of loss because of my experience of many deaths in the parish this year and also the death of my wife's youngest sister in the last two weeks. It is through the support of many people that our grieving family feel comforted. This feeling of comfort and encouragement denotes the notion of feau as a Tongan concept for peace during a time of a death.
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Feau has a lot of meanings from Tongan perspective. There is no one single English word that could capture that whole meaning of this word. In general terms feau is used as a noun and it refers to "wholeness" or "self-sufficiency". It reflects an experience of someone who is in the comfort zone. There is nothing to worry about, for everything is provided. However, in a funeral context, feau is using as a verb. It is a term that describes all the actions that have been done before, during and after a funeral in order to bring healing and wholeness to the grieved family. There are various terms in the English language that depict the meaning of feau in the Tongan context. These terms are; to comfort, to grieve with, to mourn and to weep with, to share the load with, and to share responsibilities with. It seems that all of these terms in one way or the other exhibit the nature of feau in the Tongan funeral, which gives comfort to the grieved family.
Because feau in the context of funeral is a verb, it could refer to every action that everyone offers to support a family during their time of sorrow because of a death of a loved one. Feau is not a once and for all action, but is a process that involves everybody. One of the obvious expressions of this process in a funeral is the actual participation. Any participation in any capacity at a funeral gives comfort and encouragement to the grieving family. Here are some of the participations that people provide in the process of feau; contributing food, providing financial assistance, serving the visiting families and friends, and taking part in cooking and providing food for visiting people. When I was in Tonga I saw people every day come with food, people who helped in cooking, those who were willing to offer financial assistance, and those who provide hospitality to the visiting quests. These actions demonstrated a communal participation as strength of the Tongan community, in order to ease the sorrow of the grieving family in their time of loss.
Being present in a funeral is a vital part of the feau process. Without being present there is no comfort. In the Tongan view point, the more people who come to your funeral the more comfort you may experience. It may cost a lot for a grieving family to feed a multitude of people coming to a funeral, but it cannot be compared to the peace and encouragement that they may receive from them. These concerned and caring people may come and go for five to ten days and they may put pressure on the grieving family but their presence affirms the support of the wider community. It reminds the grieving family that they are not alone in their sadness and sorrow. There are people who care to share with them by being present with them in their time of need. These people usually come with stories about their relationship with the dead person to share with the
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family. As they share their stories they bring all the memories of the past, which connect the family and their loved one. This conversation and sharing certainly comforts the family in the midst of their despair.
In the process of feau, time is very unique. The significance of time for Tongans is not the same as for the Europeans. On one hand, the Europeans view time as something to be restricted and fixed. On the other hand, the Tongans view time as something is flexible. That means, it doesn't matter when to start or when to end any task, but when it is completed. Time to be with a grieving family in the eyes of the Tongans is so important for their wellbeing during the mourning period. Those who go and spend time with the grieving family usually stay for long hours, even days, or even weeks to offer support. This is an experience of those who have close relationship with the grieving family, either blood or friendship relationship.
The church plays a vital in providing pastoral care during the mourning period. It is a normal expectation for the minister and the whole church to be present to pray with the grieving family for days before the end of the mourning period. The mourning period is the three days after the burial. Spending time with the grieving family helps them to cope with their grief in a positive way. In the short time I was in Tonga, the minister and the church offered prayer and singing hymns and Christian songs with the grieving family every evening of the three days of mourning. These supports certainly helped the husband of the woman who died and the children to cope with the loss of a loved one that is so dear to them.
Feau is a Tongan concept of comforting a family who have experienced the loss of a loved one. I am sure this concept can apply to any culture and any context. The three important aspects of action, being present, and spending time, are important part of the role of those who offer care and support during any kind of loss. Evidently, these aspects can apply to other contexts. It was the action of our friends and families, your willingness to be present and to spend time with us that gave us comfort in our loss. These actions of kindness remind me the words of prophet Isaiah to a people who had lost everything except their God. "Comfort, O comfort my people, says your God." (Isaiah 40:1) Feau cannot be completed until God is involved in it, and I believe that it is through your thoughtful prayers that God gave Naomi and the family comfort during this time of mourning. Thank you for your action, for your presence, and your spending time with us in our sorrow.
Rev. Siosifa Pole