Beer, sport and cars

By Yvonne Dasler in All Sorts

A reflection for Fathers Day.

BEER, SPORT AND CARS

Beer, sport and cars. That's what fathers care about the most. I know that, because advertisers have been telling me so for the past month in the lead up to Father's Day. And they know that because they do extensive research to meet the market demands.

If it wasn't for the advertisers, in my naivete I would have falsely assumed that Father's Day was a tribute to parenthood; a chance for families to celebrate everything that makes Dad special. But it seems that dads are more interested in beer, sport and cars.

And that explains a lot.

A few years ago, a national men's group planned a conference with workshops on a huge range of topics. One of the workshop options was titled: "Me and my Dad." Alone of all the options, it received 100 percent enrolment and organisers had to quickly revamp the conference programme to make "Me and my Dad" a full day plenary session to cater for the explosion of interest.

It seems we all have issues relating to our dads. Some of us are lucky enough to know who our dad is; some of us have a birth father who is little more than a sperm donor so mum has to do all the parenting. Some of us have a stepfather who ignores us; some of us have a stepfather who cares for us better than our real father, making us feel guilty. Others of us cannot bear to watch movies about happy families, because our own experience is very different. Some of us couldn't watch Once Were Warriors because it mirrored our own family life. There are dads who abuse physically, verbally and sexually as if it is their right or duty.

Then there are the good dads who will spend today waiting for a cheery call or visit which never comes. It may not be their weekend for an access visit, their children may be in another country, or too selfish to care about a lonely old man.

Some dads are addicts who put alcohol, gambling or drugs ahead of family happiness; some dads are in jail, and some are forbidden by Court order to have contact with the children they love.

Despite our best intentions, for the most part our children are the only people we are able to love unconditionally. Problems arise in our culture when we expect the same unconditional love in return. For the most part, we raise our children to take good care of their children, not us.

Parents have 18 years before a child reaches university age and plenty of time to save for that eventuality. Those who fail to support their children when they are young should not be surprised when those same children fail to care for them in their old age.

Last week I was interested to read the financial advice column in the Thai edition of Reader's Digest. Couples in their 30s were advised to place equal amounts of money in two separate savings accounts - one to cover their children's education, the other to support their parents in retirement with a superannuation top-up. Once the children had graduated the couple was advised to increase the payment to their parents before starting to save for their own retirement. Not the kind of advice one would be given by a New Zealand consultant!

The mixed feelings we have toward our own fathers and grandfathers can come to a head on Father's Day. It also explains why some of us have difficulty relating to God as "Father." However, as Christians we are given tools to shuck off past hurts, accept people as they are, forgive others and ourselves for past mistakes and make a new start. Today would be a good time.

And if beer, sport and cars don't hack it with your dad, there's always soap-on-a-rope!

-- Yvonne Dasler

This item by a member of the Blenheim Parish was written as the Connections article for the Dunedin Parish Weekly Bulletin, September 5, 2010.